When Life Seems Impossible

                                                               

 When life seems impossible              

   No one cares if you live or die…   

      Change your hair, show up early 

            Put out that extra effort,  sigh a lot

                 Dress to the nines and carry a flamboyant book       

   Make a fancy lunch, eat it lavishly     

                      Sit close to the action sipping expensive water

         When they call on you ignore them

           Tell them you are working on more important things

            While studying offers from their competitors

       When they come to escort you out

         Speak clearly into your lapel

           Asking,  “did the cameras get all that?”

             Done properly                              

                  This should get you at least        

 

         Two weeks room and board at state expense.

The League of Obscure Saints

                                                  

Dear Diary; Upon returning from lunch, these notes caught my eye Dear God: It is my extreme pleasure to bring to your attention the details from the minutes of this months meeting of the League of Obscure Saints, South Side, Heaven 00001 In so far as I am aware, all were in attendance at this, our last meeting. A newly sanctioned member attended, to be detailed later in these notes. First to address the group was the committee head for the Trade Saints League, as is customary since they are considered the lowest of all recognized saints. Their concern was with some recent events when it was observed that no Trades Persons had prayed to any of them, but continues to call upon "God, Jesus Christ, and Judas priest." (Which he is not!) Now while the recognized plumbers are the most frequent users of these terms, it was revealed by St. Louie of the Holy Pipefitters, that carpenters would have the greatest need to cry out but have gone to referring almost always to fecal matter and physical acts between adults. This issue was not discussed further, and no solution was advised. At that time a report was presented by St. Lucky of the Beseeched Bookies & Card Sharks to remove the Gamblers Prayer from the list of Holy Requests as the odds are that it only seems to come from losers and lay bouts that show no desire to help themselves. In his estimation, they are the sorts who throw all their money at the lowest odds, failing to even glance at a racing form but choose whatever horse sounds good to them at the time, like they were in some voting booth. Finally, after all, hope is lost they expect heaven to get involved and save their bacon, as it were. Recommended action; Leave em hanging. On a lighter note, the Branch of lost Balloonists (Sunday Outfit) suggested people would pray more seriously if they got to ride in a hot air balloon. This was met with great agreement and it was suggested that a field trip be planned for our next Get to Know the Earth outing. This met with full approval, except for the representative from the Saintly League of Failed Skydivers, who thought the whole idea a bit of a flat joke, and predicted they would boycott the aforementioned outing. I felt that reaction a bit of a downer, but the rest were high on the plan. Entertainment has been suggested by Les Saints Reform rue Prostitues. Their spokesperson revealed her outline in a stunning four-point spread so all could see her points. But in the end, it became clear that her presentation lacked refinement and she was sent back to committee to perfect the thrust in her motion. It was then suggested by the member from the Saints in Blue that she needs to make apparent a price for performance, Topic closed. Under the subject of sainthood, a formal request was voiced to the board for inclusion to create a new committee seat for a group which is known as the Craft of Repentant Witches and Warlocks. It was said by them that, their crimes were in no way against the high deity, but were the result of a clerical error with theology. They had become put off by the rather lofty (their words) way in which some martyred saints were looking down on the new sanction and would like to see a new light on the whole lot. Hoping not to throw water on the martyrdom practice, the guest yielded to the spokesperson for the League of Contrite Executioners who pointed out that practices of the past were an element which has since cooled and would stake a claim that getting into heaven was not so hard as it had been in his time and would gladly usher a few of the whiney newbies back out. If they wanted, he could supply them with enough rope to finish the subject. With that comment St. Hazel of the CRW&W cut off any further discussion and recommended he could shelve his complaint with the rest of his subjects in the morgues. (Now, I for one don't understand why trade saints are allowed to retain their tools within the fine halls of the hereafter, but a struggle ensued when the saintly aforementioned Executioner produced his broad ax and was promptly met with a flurry of incantations. This instantly added one new frog or toad (not clear which yet) to the population. Pandemonium ensued, there was a confiscation of one wand-type item and the meeting did calm down, only slightly, while the closing prayer was recited, and further agenda items were dropped. Another date was not set for our next meeting but I did hear the when hell freezes over recommendation, but none would claim the motion. In closing I can only say, God, help us!